Embracing the Unknown: A Journey Through Motherhood and Self-Discovery

The Reluctance of Motherhood

Olga Khazan’s journey into motherhood is a deeply personal and conflicted one, rooted in a lifelong ambivalence toward parenthood. At 36 years old, she found herself torn between the biological ticking of her clock and the existential dread of parenthood’s unknowns. Raised by Russian immigrant parents who instilled in her a pessimistic outlook on life, Olga struggled to imagine herself as a mother. Her decision to take a fertility test was both a practical step and a symbolic leap into the unknown. The test itself became a metaphor for her larger fears: Her inability to produce a single drop of blood, despite hours of effort, mirrored her anxieties about her potential inadequacies as a mother.

For years, Olga and her husband, Rich, had hovered between wanting and not wanting children. Parenthood seemed both financially and emotionally unmanageable. Her neuroticism, a trait she acknowledged and sought to change, made the uncertainty of parenthood especially daunting. Yet, as she approached her late 30s, a shift in perspective began to take hold. Visits to Rich’s mother, who suffered from dementia, reminded Olga of the profound role children play in one’s later life. These moments of clarity were juxtaposed with her own fears: Could she love a child? Could she even conceive?

The Quest for Self-Improvement

Before motherhood, Olga had already embarked on a bold experiment: changing her personality. A scientific personality test revealed her high neuroticism, low agreeableness, and introversion, traits she sought to alter through deliberate practice. She threw herself into mindfulness, meditation, and social activities, determined to reshape who she was. Her efforts were not without challenge—she survived improv sessions, conversation workshops, and even a grueling day-long meditation retreat. Yet, over time, she noticed a shift: She became less anxious, more empathetic, and more open to connection. Her growing self-awareness laid the groundwork for the even greater transformation parenthood would bring.

Despite her progress, parenthood loomed as an unpredictable force. Unlike her personality project, which was under her control, becoming a mother meant surrendering to biology and embracing the unknown. Scientific studies offered little reassurance, showing no consistent pattern in how parenthood changes personality. For some, it increased agreeableness and conscientiousness; for others, it had no meaningful impact. The unpredictability terrified her. Yet, as she faced her fears, she discovered an unexpected truth: Parenthood, like personality change, is a process shaped by the choices we make every day.

The Fertility Journey

After years of indecision, Olga and Rich decided to stop being careful and let nature take its course. Their decision was part practical, part playful, a gamble they hoped would bring clarity. When Olga discovered she was pregnant, she was as shocked as she was elated. Her body, deemed “geriatric” by medical standards, had defied expectations. Yet, the early days of pregnancy were anything but joyful. The hormonal chaos left her irritable and overwhelmed, her neuroticism flaring with each passing day. She spent hours obsessing over trivialities, from swaddles to baby gear, unable to reconcile the woman she was with the mother she was becoming.

The pregnancy itself was far from smooth. A high-risk diagnosis led to an emergency C-section, and her son, Evan, was whisked away to the NICU. The experience was jarring, a stark contrast to the glowy, goddess-like pregnancies she had heard about. Yet, in the chaos, something profound shifted. When she finally held Evan in her arms, she felt an overwhelming surge of love—a feeling she had not anticipated. It was a moment of raw, unfiltered connection, one that set her on a path of growth she could never have imagined.

Parenthood and Personal Growth

The early days of motherhood were brutal. Sleep deprivation left Olga a shell of her former self, and the constant demands of caregiving pushed her to the brink. Yet, amidst the exhaustion, she began to notice subtle but profound changes within herself. Her neuroticism, once a defining trait, began to fade. She found herself capable of managing chaos with a newfound sense of calm, even when life seemed to spiral out of control. A particularly harrowing flight with Evan, during which she navigated a sodden diaper and a tiny airplane bathroom, left her feeling not defeated but empowered.

The transition into motherhood has reshaped Olga’s sense of purpose. She has become less self-focused, more attuned to the needs of others. While she once obsessed over minor setbacks, she now embraces imperfection with a sense of humor and humility. Her relationship with Rich has also evolved, as they navigate parenthood together. Yet, parenthood has not erased her flaws; it has simply redirected them. Her anxieties are now channeled into worrying about Evan’s well-being, a trade-off she would make a thousand times over.

The Lasting Impact

Parenthood has taught Olga a critical lesson: Change is not something that happens to us but something we actively choose. While having a child has transformed her in ways she could not have predicted, it is her daily decisions—