Editor’s Note: Seeking Guidance for Life’s Challenges
Is there something weighing on your mind, nagging you persistently, or leaving you feeling uneasy? Perhaps you’re grappling with existential worries or struggling to navigate life’s complexities. Every Tuesday, James Parker offers his insights to readers’ questions in his column, “Dear James.” If you’re facing lifelong struggles or in-the-moment dilemmas, don’t hesitate to share them at dearjames@theatlantic.com. And if you’d like to stay updated with each column, you can subscribe to receive “Dear James” directly in your inbox.
A Reader’s Struggle: Contemplating the End of a Marriage
A 32-year-old woman writes to James Parker, expressing her deep frustration and uncertainty about her marriage. She and her husband have been together for eight years, married for two, and have a 3-year-old daughter. While their relationship once felt fulfilling, she now finds herself questioning whether she should leave him. The primary source of her distress is her husband’s persistent absent-mindedness, messiness, and inability to change his habits.
She describes how his daily forgetfulness—such as leaving the fridge open, failing to turn off the AC, or misplacing keys—has become increasingly unbearable. Despite her repeated expressions of frustration, she sees little effort from him to improve. These issues, which once seemed minor and manageable, have grown into significant sources of annoyance. She’s torn between wondering if she’s being overly nitpicky and recognizing that these problems occur daily, affecting her well-being. She asks for guidance on how to address this situation.
The Reality of Marriage: When Charm Turns to Frustration
James begins his response by acknowledging that marriage often starts with idealized love but quickly confronts reality. He notes that marriage can be an “engine of reality” that gradually strips away illusions. Over time, traits that once seemed charming or manageable can become intolerable due to repetition and the grind of daily life.
He empathizes with the reader’s frustration, describing how exhausting it can feel to constantly clean up after someone or deal with their carelessness, especially when that person is no longer inspiring affection. While caring for a partner can be beautiful, James points out that it’s unfair when one person constantly needs to compensate for the other’s lack of self-care.
Reflecting on Love and the “Naked Lunch” Moment
James encourages the reader to reflect on whether she still genuinely loves her husband. He invites her to consider him not just as a list of maddening traits but as a whole, unique being with infinite value. He references William S. Burroughs’ concept of the “naked lunch” moment—a time when reality becomes starkly clear—and asks if she can still envision her husband in a more compassionate light.
He also suggests that she pause to consider her own potential flaws, as relationships often involve mutual imperfections. James then turns his attention to her husband, wondering if his behavior might be a sign of deeper issues, such as feeling overwhelmed or struggling with life’s challenges. He questions whether her husband might be acting out in ways that reflect his own distress or immaturity.
The Deeper Questions: Is Help Needed?
James further speculates that her husband’s absent-mindedness and carelessness could be more than just laziness or selfishness. He proposes that these behaviors might be indicative of a larger problem, such as feeling overwhelmed or stuck in life. He even playfully suggests that her husband might be subconsciously competing with their 3-year-old daughter for attention or comforting distractions.
At the same time, James acknowledges that the reader is likely feeling overwhelmed herself. He emphasizes that when people repeatedly neglect small but important tasks—like closing the fridge—they might be signaling something deeper. This could be an unconscious cry for help, a sign of disorganization, or even a passive-aggressive response to stress.
A Conclusion: Holding Out for Love and Self-Reflection
James concludes by urging the reader to hold onto the love that once brought her and her husband together, even as she grapples with her frustration. He encourages her to reflect on whether her husband’s flaws are truly insurmountable or if they can be addressed with patience, communication, and mutual effort. At the same time, he reminds her to consider her own role in the relationship and whether she might be contributing to the dynamic in ways she hasn’t fully acknowledged.
Ultimately, James leaves the reader with a poignant reminder: love is not about perfection but about understanding and supporting each other through life’s imperfections. And sometimes, that means confronting the harder questions about whether a relationship can continue to thrive.
